President Sarah Palin-Zardari announces Three Trillion Dollar Relief - 3 Dollar Bill

February 14, 2020. At a Press Conference held on Valentine’s day in Washington Pres. Sarah Palin-Zardari announced a bold program to stimulate the American economy. Here are extracts from her speech.

“Three Hundred Million Americans find themselves burdened today by their inability to go to the toilet. The shortage of toilet paper requires a unique and creative solution. My cabinet and me have had a serious discussion on this subject and the Secretary of Treasury and Toilets, S. Hitaway, has recommended and I have approved, the printing of a 3 Dollar bill to solve this crisis. This will not be an ordinary 3 dollar bill, instead this 3 Dollar bill will be made by joining three one dollar bills end to end so that it can be efficiently used to clean ends. I am ordering that every American Man, Woman and child (except for old folks and kiddies in diapers) receive a Thousand of these 3 Dollar bills so they no longer have to fear ending up in the toilet without toilet paper.

Some of you may think I am copying the stimulus package proposed by that young virile black man who became President, ah ... Osama bin Burk, by beating a tired old scary White man. The Bush-Burk Stimulation was giving loads of money to the banks who flushed it down the toilet. My stimulus package will provide relief directly where it is required.

Printing of the 3 dollar bill will modernize our printing press and force entry into the 20th century, I mean the 22nd century, no the 21st century, or whatever. Utilization of this 3 Dollar bill will also result in clogged drains and provide a boost to our plumbing industry as toilets are scrapped and old plumbing fixed. There will also be a boost for the environmental protection nuts as they scoop the bills from the ocean in an attempt to save jellow fish. Our Generous Accounting Office (GAO) has estimated that the printing and discarding of the One Trillion 3 dollar bills will result in a 3 Trillion Dollar stimulation.

This program also helps us fight Muslimanic terrorism. I am at liberty to disclose that Homeland Paranoid Security apprehended twelve bearded Taliban woman from Gonistan who were trying to enter this country loaded with smooth pebbles stuffed in their bras in an attempt to force uptight Americans to use stones instead of toilet paper. The 3 Dollar bill will prevent such insurgent tactics and save our way of life.

I also for the life of me don’t understand Democratamics who argue that Americans should just use plain water as Muslamics do. Such thinking has forced me to raise the threat level to yellow. I am from Alaska and I will not stand for ice in the crevices.

Finally I cannot forget the boost my candidacy received from Katie Couric and Tina Faye and I am ordering the Secretary of Treasury and Toilets to print Katie’s picture on one of the Dollar bills and Tina’s on the other one. Of course the 3rd 3 Dollar bill will have the picture of my esteemed friend, that tired old man who, while in a trance on a toilet seat, had an epifany and elected me as his Vice Presidential candidate.

Americans can rest assured that this President will always be behind them.”


Editor’s comments. We understand that there were other excerpts of this speech which have been lost (flushed?). If you find them please share them with us.